I’m a little rusty…
It’s been a while…
I’m not sure what to say really, apart from… I GOT A JOB!!!
This is no ordinary job though, this is a job that involves getting everyone else a job. The scary thing is that I am actually doing it and I must say that although its tough it’s heavily invigorating. The fact that I get up in the dark, and that it’s not daylight for at least two hours after I’ve got to work is something that I have come to accept because, you see, I feel cherished and loved again. I feel appreciated and also quite happy to be paid for it.
Anyway, I’m not gonna bang on about how happy I am, because nobody wants to hear that, do they? I’m gonna bang on about how unhappy I was. Yeah, so suck it up!
Let’s go back to the start, shall we?
It all started about a year and a half ago when I got this job selling door knobs, yeah, door knobs. Everybody loves a knob, small ones, big ones, shiny little pink ones… it turns out that there is a lot more to knobs than you can imagine. Anyway, I was selling, I was writing press releases, I was working the social media, advertising, photo editing, updating the website.. Damn it, that doesn’t sound so bad does it? In fact that sounds like a pretty awesome job, for someone like me, and it was until it all went bad, all because I was enjoying my job a little too much. The thing is, if your boss thinks you’re having fun at work and getting a little bit cocky with it then they probably start to doubt the quantity of paper that is going your way. Why, I should have been paying them! I was enjoying it so much and I think the fact that social media doesn’t pay the bills had a big factor in my demotion.
So the cash flow faltered, things got tight and the knob took a big knock.
Things changed after that. There I was, left with that funny little thing called e…bay. You know, it’s like selling your soul to the cyber-devil, the online market. I was a market seller but I was in a virtual battle with every other market trader out there and not just the ones in my local town. I was up against…the Worldwide Economy with my little size 4 feet under the table surrounded by a load of knobs.
It was ok for a while. Me and Thee Bay became like two peas in a pod. I would edit the photos, write all day about fancy colours and textures and then Theresa Bay would do the rest. It was a special friendship until the novelty wore off, we got bored with each other. I ran out of words. She wouldn’t improve my rankings and that was that. Although we were good friends and we went way back, it turns out that in virtual reality it’s not who you know it is literally what you know, and it was like the computer was saying NO all over again. It wasn’t cool. I was left with a bitter, metallic taste in my mouth as if the fibres of the electronic fabric had worked their way into me, interlinking my nerve network with electrically charged wires shocking me into believing I had become one the computer and that no knob would put asunder. I felt like I had become physically attached to the computer, that my brain was pervious to the matrix of virtual electrodes passing from Thee Bay through the air and into me. I had been Thee Bid.
You see, I spent days studying the fruits of her wondrous, glitching network, testing her savvy texts, learning her native computer language and pressing all the right buttons and for what, for nothing, is all. I had become brainwashed by her and I just couldn’t take the abuse anymore. It was time to pull the plug. Like a broken marriage, our relationship drifted into cyberspace only to be replaced by a new, improved website.
We went our separate ways, it was for the best and I can quite honestly say that I have never looked back because, speaking to people and getting up before the postman is so much more fulfilling than drifting off into cyberspace. Sorry Theresa Bay, I hope you’re happy now.